These are all our thoughts in word form. Not to be confused with our thoughts in worm form. Those look like this.

Thursday, September 1, 2011

My Failed Attempt at Writing a Sketch (Now With More Nudity!) by CK Bond


[Ext. Door of the board room reads “Smithfield Blindfolds”. A man, PRESENTER, is holding a box.  He looks nervous]
[Int. Board Room.  Four men are sitting around a table]
Boss (Mr. Smithfield)
So next up is Rory Jenkins.
Man 1
Are you kidding me? This guy again? Grade A Mitten Face
Man 2
I’m going to let it slide that that’s not an expression. You’ve had problems with every presenter today.  What’d this one do to you?
Man 1
Nothing.  I feel people do better when they’re on the defensive.  That’s why Nazi invasion of Poland failed.
Man 2
Nothing you just said is true.
[Door opens and in steps the man with the box]
Man 1
You’re mother’s Korean!
Presenter (Jenkins)
Was that an insult or a guess? Never mind, it doesn’t matter.  Mr. Smithfield, your father founded this company in 1887 with nary a half farthing in his pocket.  Because of his imagination and creative marketing, he was able to turn his small business into the number one blindfold distributer on the eastern seaboard.  Unfortunately, as you all are well aware of, the company has since fallen on hard times. Gentlemen, I am here today to recapture Franklin Smithfield’s creative spark and help launch this company into a new golden era.  I want you to take one and pass them on.
[He pulls blindfolds out of the box]
Presenter (Jenkins)
Sit back and enjoy the greatest Power Point of your life.
[PRESENTER dims the lights and smiles smugly]
Man 1
Um how are we supposed to see the presentation if we’re blindfolded, J.D. Cockefeller?
Man 2
Yeah he has a good point.  Maybe we should just take them off, Jizz Dumpster.
Man 1
Was that what “J.D.” was supposed to stand for?
Man 2
Yeah.  Did you like it?
Man 1
Three out of five.
Man 2
I’ll take it.
Man 3
[Richard Prior Impression] Dead Honkey!
Man 2
I should not have showed him those videos.
Presenter (Jenkins)
No! Everyone stop talking.  You’re not taking the blindfolds off.  The idea is to get everyone thinking like the original Mr. Smithfield.  I’ll just have to improvise.  I’ll play it by eye, if you will.
[No one laughs]
Presenter (Jenkins)
Because um… you’re blindfolded… I’m not… It’s normally “play it by ear”…
Boss (Mr. Smithfield)
Get on with the presentation, Cockefeller.
Presenter (Jenkins)
Yes sir.  Ok it looks like I’ll have to skip a few slides.
[Slides being skipped look really cool.  Aliens riding dragons while wearing blindfolds, etc.]
Presenter (Jenkins)
Can’t use these either.
[Skips more awesome blindfold related slides.  One of the aliens should probably be wearing a shirt that reads “Christian!”]
Presenter (Jenkins)
Here we go.
[He stops on a slide with words]
Presenter (Jenkins)
Ok. Now I’d like you guys to use your new found power of creativity to imagine what the slide says.
Man 1
I want to go first!
Presenter (Jenkins)
Yeah… no.  Mr. Smithfield, would you like to go first?
Boss (Mr. Smithfield)
So you’re saying I can imagine anything?  This is why my father created this company: forward thinking and innovation.  With a blindfold on, your mind can reach unlimited potential.  It’s free from the physical distractions of the world; free to explore its highest peaks and deepest valleys.  I think you’re on to something here, Jenkins.
Presenter (Jenkins)
Thank you, sir.  You might say I’m a “vision”ary.
Boss (Mr. Smithfield)
I’d prefer it if you didn’t speak for the rest of the meeting.  If I let my mind wander I see my children.  I’m not at the office, I’m at home with my children; making up for lost time.  Wait, now I’m a child again.  I see my father. He’s just gotten home from work, but instead going upstairs, he’s coming outside to greet me.  He has a baseball mit in his hand and he wants to play a game of catch.   The sun falls across the sky as we toss away the hours of the day.  I grow weak and he carries me off to bed.  When I awaken, I’m at a titty farm.  There titties as far as the eye can see. Big ones, small ones, black ones, white ones.  This is one version of the 1950s where discrimination doesn’t exist.
[PRESENTER changes slides]
Presenter (Jenkins)
Alright and we’re moving on.  You said you wanted to go before?
Man 1
Not anymore.  You hurt my feelings.
Presenter (Jenkins)
If I apologized, would that make you feel better?
Man 1
Yes.  But if you ever cross me again, I’ll masturbate in a hat and make you wear it.
Presenter (Jenkins)
What?
Man 1
Oh you’re not familiar with the concept.  Well then in the interest of our new friendship, let me draw you a sketch!
Presenter (Jenkins)
You really don’t have to do that.
Man 1
Nozzlestorcks!
Presenter
What?
Man 2
He means “nonsense”.
Presenter (Jenkins)
I see.  You’ve been pretty quiet.  Do you have any suggestions?
Man 2
Well I would have laid out a table of are key demographics broken down by age, gender, income and county of residency. I would have used this data and cross checked it with the results from our current television and radio advertisers to see if we’re reaching our max target audience.  I would have also included a list of possible internet sites to advertise on, seeing as that is currently an untapped market for us.
[His description is very similar to the slide currently on the screen]
Man 2
But after the boss went, all I can think about are titty farms.
[BOSS and MAN 2 go to high-5 but miss and wind up awkwardly touching each other’s faces.]
Presenter (Jenkins)
Damn it!
Man 2
I think I’m going to milk mine.
Presenter (Jenkins)
What about you… whoever you are?
Man 3
[British accent] This parrot is dead!
Presenter (Jenkins)
Seriously, who the fuck are you?
Man 1
I’m done!
[MAN 1 holds a startlingly accurate drawing of a man masturbating into a hat.  In the interest of tastefulness I suggest only the man in the drawing’s “O Face” is shown. PRESENTER looks very confused.]
Presenter (Jenkins)
[Mouthing the words to himself] But he was blindfolded.
Man 3
So who’s on first?
Presenter (Jenkins)
Alright!  Everyone just shut up.  I don’t have much time left and against my better judgment I’ll see if the boss has anything to add.
[BOSS does a motor boating motion and sound effects]
Presenter (Jenkins)
Mother fucker.
THE END
[After the credits, the scene opens back up and BOSS and MAN 2 are in the foreground.  MAN 1 is on a table behind them laying down a hat and pulling his pants.  MAN 3 is in the background doing a Ministry of Silly Walks style walk.]
BOSS
So you’re saying if we got the government to subsidize, that would raise the market equilibrium quantity for titties?