These are all our thoughts in word form. Not to be confused with our thoughts in worm form. Those look like this.

Wednesday, July 20, 2011

What a Shitty Evening by Dillon Minton

So I wake up on my day off and all goes well. I fixed my car's A/C and I'm happier than a little kid watching his first porn video. I make my drive home and spend the rest of my day relaxing and masturbating. After watching a few hours of the best TV show ever made, Criminal Minds, I go and surf the internet. I put my headphones on and lose touch with reality for a long while.

After a bit of watching dogs talk, people fall and babies laugh, I decide to go outside for a little bit. To my surprise, it was quite dark out as I didn't notice 5:30pm turned to 12:45 am all of sudden. I pop in my headphones and start to play some Tilly and The Wall on my phone. Then I choose it's a good time to light up a cigarette to calm down from the fact I spent half of my money I had saved to fix my car. I reach into my pocket for a my worn down pack of Camel's, "Oh fuckcunt," I thought to myself, "I forgot my lighter." But that was okay, I had a spare in my car. 

I walk down towards my car which is parked on the street. As I get to the sidewalk I notice something smells funky. I figured someone had probably walked their dog and forgot to pick up the doggie's dookie or body is decaying in the storm drain. I walk tot he drivers side of my car and notice something on my hood.  Someone's car must have flung mud on it as the drove by since it just stormed. I unlock my car and get my trusty lighter out. Then I light up my cigarette and stare at the moon since it distracted me. I sit there staring up and listening to Tiny Tim blasting in my eardrums as the smell from earlier started to get worse. What the fuck, it's my not cig I thought, the smell is pretty nasty. I look at my car again and stand there in disbelief, shock, and denial.

"No no no no no. No way," I said. There is no way this can be what I actually think this is. I get my phone out and shine it on my hood and windshield to get a better look. I turn around and look about hoping Ashton Kutcher comes running out screaming "We Punk'd your ass bitch!" Nope, no one is outside at all. It's so quiet out I could hear the asshole frogs doing there frog thing. This can't be real, it must be fake I thought. I look at it again. Nope, it looks and smells like it should. Someone threw shit on my car. Who in their right mind does that? I honestly thought this was an epic prank where someone bought the same car as mine, then broke on the handle and fucked up the fender just like mine and threw shit on it to freak me out. After I finish my cancer stick, I drive my car into my driveway to spray the turds off of it. I spray my car down for a good 20 minutes, just to make sure it's all off for good. Then I move my car back to the street. I was still hoping someone was going to drive my actual car back and laugh and be like "I got you good, huh?" But no, that didn't happen, this was my car. And there was a big pile of shit on it.

At this point, I go from being in denial to fucking enraged. Someone will die because of this. I will make sure they pay dearly for this shit, excuse the pun. What kind of person throws shit? Let alone on someone's car. This is my calling. I knew all the endless hours of Criminal Minds was for a reason. I must profile to find this person. I will get into the mind of the feces throwing dick-face and then get my revenge. I decided murder is too light of a punishment for a crime of this magnitude. Once I find out who did this they will have a shittier day, I mean week. Now off to plan and find out who did this.

And by the way, I still have no idea if the shit was human or not.

Tuesday, July 19, 2011

Tips for Surviving the Sub-Continent: 10 More Things I've Learned from Being in South America by John Galt

  1. While pickpocketing is a problem here it is not advisable to walk around with your hand in your pocket to protect your wallet. Being known as the foreigner who walks around with his hand in his pants and smiles to greet strangers will invoke police inquiries.
  2. It seems as though reputable Italian jewelers hire local tweens to sell their goods at sharp discounts. Be sure to pick up on these good deals, where else are you going to get a 24 karat gold chain for 20 USD?
  3. Bank security in Central American countries is very tight. There are always heavily armored guards at the door and no hats, bags, hands in pockets, or nervous movements allowed. However, these are just suggestions feel free to do as you please and it is common courtesy to walk up to the guard and try to get a fist bump.
  4. In many countries the police flashing their lights means little more than "hey look at me I'm a cop." If you ever see one turn their lights on behind you it doesn't necessarily mean anything, you should only pull over once they begin to discharge their weapon. I wish I was joking.
  5. While Americans aren't very popular American clothing is. Hollister, American Eagle, and the like are very common in the area. So much so that you'd think you were in one of their magazines, except they're not all white people.
  6. Sharks have been known to get pretty close to the beaches and sometimes cause trouble. Contrary to popular belief, punching a shark in the nose will do little but antagonizes it. My suggestion is to grab the nearest child, preferably around 10, and offer it to the shark in return for your safety. They are typically a merciful species.
  7. Prices are typically higher for tourists than for locals. Always ask how much something is before a service is rendered, don't get caught with them jacking up the price after simply because you didn't ask. Bus fare is usually $2, not $45.
  8. While the countries are a lot smaller than the United States it can still take a good 5 hours by car to get to where you're going. Make sure to check your iPod before you leave to make sure it has more than one album on it by mistake. Unless it's Pinkerton by Weezer. That's just one of those albums you can listen to on repeat, 24 times. And counting.
  9. They lock up some of the silliest things at some supermarkets, like shampoo. Just get the keys from the cashier, grab what you can, and book it. They actually think I can afford shampoo? In this economic climate? Who does Head and Shoulders think they are, god?
  10. Having very rural economies, a lot of areas have people that keep chickens. Interesting fact, by almost magic they kaw at midnight, 1, 2, and 3 almost by magic. They're natures drunk douchebag blasting Black and Yellow coming home from a party.