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Monday, July 4, 2011

Tips for Surviving the Sub-Continent: 10 Things I've Learned from Being in South America by John Galt

1. Apparently wearing shorts and flip-flops is only something homosexuals do. I wish I would've known that previous to my arrival, but Horatio was very understanding

2. Eating beans for 3 courses everyday will make you disgusted with them fast and might have some unintended side-effects for those that aren't used to it. I started to see them in my dreams and then occasionally following me in real life. Similar to The Raisenettes, but with a mean streak.


3. After spending the night in the ghetto of an almost 3rd world nation, I learned one thing. Ghettos are a terrible place to spend the night.


4. Drivers here are akin to the bus driver from Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban. Insane. You're great "experience" from driving in the suburbs means little to nothing against a drunk guy in a bus with the bumper sticker that reads "With God I am invincible."


5. Americans aren't exactly the most liked people in this area of the world so be prepared for a little hazing from the locals. I personally think it may have been from creating a rebellion in Columbia to make the canal cheaper to build, letting excessive amounts of workers die in building said canal because they didn't hand out mosquito repellant, overthrowing the government of Panama, and attempting to invade the totally peaceful nation Costs Rica twice. But these are just hunches.


6. After eating local cuisine for an extended period of time I can tell you that without a doubt that a Big Mac combo is the greatest meal on both the Northern and Southern continents of America.


7. At the immigration window to enter Panama by foot there is a lady who walks around and asks for your passport, don't be alarmed she does actually work for immigration and she stamps your passport. However, the 10 year old boy who said he'd stamp mine did not.


8. While the drinking age as been set at 18 in most South American countries the cocaine age has yet to be set. Fun for all ages!


9. People mow their lawns here with something that looks similar to a weed-wacker while wearing what appears to be a bee keeper's mask to protect their face from projectile rocks. They are not the monster from Jeepers Creepers, do not hit them with your car.


10. The locals use something called "The Metric System" to measure things here. Probably left over from the indigenous populations of ancient times, it makes little sense.