These are all our thoughts in word form. Not to be confused with our thoughts in worm form. Those look like this.

Friday, June 10, 2011

JFK Jr.: American Badass by CK Bond

            For those of us too young to remember, John F. Kennedy Jr. was a lawyer, pilot, professional casket saluter, and, according to hours of intensive research, the son of Democratic President John F. Kennedy Sr. Oh, and he was also the most eligible bachelor of the past thirty years. Like his dad, the “F” in JFK Jr. stood for “I’m too busy having tantric sex with my insanely hot girlfriends to care what my middle name is”. Apparently, raw sexual charisma is hereditary much like brown eyes and homelessness. When John John (as he was called by the national media and peoples who suck at making up nicknames) wasn’t busy winning every case he ever had as a lawyer or flying around, defying gravity and shitting Isaac Newton’s grave, he was busy being named People Magazine’s Sexiest Man of the Year in 1988. So far, his edition has sold more magazines than any other Sexiest Man issue (presumably half of that was Elaine buying masturbation fodder) and he is the only non-actor to win the award.

I misspoke

            The apple didn’t fall far from the boning incredibly hot women tree either. John Squared’s conquests include model Ashley Richardson, actresses Sarah Jessica Parker and Daryl Hannah, and slutty grandmother Madonna. That’s a total of 300 million records sold, seven appearances on the cover of Elle, six appearances on the cover of the Sport’s Illustrated Swimsuit Edition, four Golden Globes, three Screen Actors Guild Awards, two Emmys, two appearances on the cover of Cosmopolitan, one appearance in Blade Runner, one induction into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, one record in the Guinness Book of World Records and one fake British accent. Kennedy’s resume reads like “The Twelve Days of Christmas” of sleeping with beautiful women.

On the third day of Christmas, a threesome seemed appropriate

            Just how did John2  get so much tail? Well according to one of his mistresses, Kennedy, stared at her from across a restaurant until she made the first move. I stare at women all the time! Where’s my free sex? Also, she was on a date with another guy and had to wait for him to go to the bathroom before she could make her move. Holy shit, the only reason you’re not a Kennedy is because your dad had a healthy prostate. Remember that kid in high school who was smarter than you, funnier than you, and you and went out with every girl you liked? Well JFK. Jr. was banging that kid's mom.


Thursday, June 9, 2011

“What Do You Want to be When You Grow Up?" by Jairo Portillo

I remember being asked this quite frequently as a kid. Of course I would lie and make up something like doctor or teacher or dinosaur tamer. But in my heart of hearts, I wanted to have superpowers and kick ass. I wanted to be a superhero and have a blank check to punch people for justice.  I would use my superpowers to attract the ladies and I could print business cards.

            But this got me thinking about what superpowers I would choose. And as I got older and learned basic physics, I realized I would probably cause way more trouble than I fixed.

Someone gonna get that? Yeah someone else will get that…

So as a superhero I’ve decided on super strength/invulnerability. You may be saying to yourself  “Hey Jario you just cheated at the game you made up! Super strength and invulnerability are two powers!”  but if you think about it, super strength and invulnerability kind of go together. For anyone who has ever willingly or unwillingly hit some solid inanimate object really hard (most of us), you’ll notice you usually come out worse. You can headbutt that wall as much as you want, the girls locker room will still lie beyond your reach.

            Maybe I get bitten by a radioactive Arnold Schwarzenneger or maybe I’m part gorilla. Either way,  now I have super strength and will do good deeds while I wait around for someone to punch. Oh look! That car is trapped on little timmy’s leg! Better lift up high in the air and strike a pose.

That’ll do

What I soon realize is that the car will be pierced by both my hands and I’ll end up with a literal full metal jacket. This is because simple physics show us the force required to lift a car localized at a point with the area of your hand creates an enormous amount of pressure at that one spot from your now muscular arms. This will cause the car to try its best to fall back to the ground or – assuming I’ve got kickass balancing skills (I don’t) you will go through the car like Congressman Weiner through many, many women (topical humor!)

If you don’t believe me, try pushing your cat with a needle and see how much they like it.

Not very much

            So you’ve saved Timmy’s leg and totaled the family car. Also they’re suing you. But no matter. Now, it’s time to teach some criminals a lesson. You see some thief run out of a convenience store in a mask with a gun. It’s your moment to shine. You run up to deck him and be the hero you were mean to be …and now find the convenience store is painted red and there is bloody stump where the guy’s torso used to be. See when your adrenaline is running, do you ever consider how much force you put behind a punch? With super strength, you won’t stop to consider how this guy is made of flesh and bone. And that will be the difference between stopping a criminal and redoing the paint of the banks’ walls.

Do you – do you do any colors other than red?

Monday, June 6, 2011

Pete's Greek Tzadziki by John Galt

  • 2 cups of Sour Cream (You can use thick Greek yogurt or mix the two. I go with straight sour cream, and don't use that low fat shit).
  • 3 to 4 cloves of garlic, crushed (Careful not to use too much or you'll smell like a Guinea) 
  • 1/2 cup to 3/4 cup grated cucumber (Use a seedless cucumber--the long ones.  If you've never seen one of these, they are the same size as a non-Greek penis, if it was ten times longer.)
  • 1 tablespoon of olive oil (Greek oil, if you’re not a barbarian.  If you don't want to use Greek olive oil, do everyone a favor and kill yourself) 
  • 2 teaspoons of lemon juice (This comes from a fruit called a "Lemon."  It's yellow and does not come in a bottle.  You'll know it’s a lemon and not a bottle,  because a lemon doesn't have a screw-on cap)
  • 1 teaspoon of Cavender's Greek Seasoning (Available at Safeway in the spice aisle--usually in a small, yellow or blue container.  It also makes your dick grow, so can add more than one teaspoon, if you feel you need some help in this department.  Hint:  If you're not Greek, you do.) 
  • 1 or 2 teaspoons of salt for preparation of cucumber (see below).  Some non-Greeks and monkeys throw salt over their shoulders.  Don't do that shit, it lands on the floor. (Sorry, I forgot.  Monkeys throw their own shit at things, not salt.  But if the shoe fits...)

  1. Wash your god-damned hands, you animal.  What is that tar?  Motor oil?  Jesus!  Are you a day laborer?
  2. Grate cucumber and squeeze the pulp in your hands to remove extra liquid.  Squeezing the cucumber extracts additional liquid from the grated cucumber and keeps your Tzadziki from getting watery (like my eyes when I think of the Aegean).  Leave the peel on for color, and because you'll probably cut yourself with a knife if you try to peel it.  Spread the cucumber on a plate (if you own dinnerware) and salt it.  Leave it sit for 10-15 minutes (This gives you some time to think about what a great race of people the Greeks are).  Squeeze again to remove excess salt.
  3. Fold cucumber, crushed garlic, olive oil, lemon juice and seasoning into the sour cream.  "Folding" is what you don't do to your laundry.  If you don't know how to do it, just throw all the stuff together and stir it like your female ancestors used to stir their cauldrons.
  4. You must refrigerate for at least an hour before serving for the flavor to develop.  (If you don't have a watch or know what an hour is, tie your shoes.  That should take about 60 minutes).  It will keep for 10 days in the refrigerator.  Ten days!  Not ten months, or you'll get streptococcus (which is a Greek word that means: you can't cook). 
  5. You can mix in 1-2 teaspoons of chopped fresh mint or dill, if you are into that.  PS:  I don't want to know what else you are into!
  6. Enjoy