These are all our thoughts in word form. Not to be confused with our thoughts in worm form. Those look like this.

Wednesday, December 14, 2011

The Emancipation Portillomation by CK Bond

It was Jairo's birthday last week so I thought I'd post something I wrote for him last year. Happy Womb Emancipation Day, buddy!

Whereas, on the ninth of December, in the year of our Lord two thousand and ten, a proclamation was issued by the C-Boner (aka Mad Money) President of Boobiesville, containing, among other things, the following, to wit:
That on the ninth day of December, in the year of our Lord one thousand nine hundred and ninety-one, all baby Jairos held as slaves within any tummies or wombs, shall be then, thenceforward, and forever free; and the Executive Government of the Boobiestown, including the military and the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles thereof, will recognize and maintain the freedom of such baby Jairos, and will do no act or acts to repress such persons by forcing them back into said wombs.
That the Executive will, on the ninth day of December aforesaid, by proclamation, designate the tummies and parts of tummies, if any, in which the baby Jairos thereof, respectively, shall then be in rebellion against the United States; and the fact that any State, or the people thereof, shall on that day be, in good faith, represented in the Congress of the United States by members chosen thereto at elections wherein a majority of the qualified voters of such State shall have participated, shall, in the absence of strong countervailing testimony, be deemed conclusive evidence that such State, and the baby Jairos thereof, are not then in rebellion against the United States. [Side Note: that was all one fucking sentence! What the hell? I replaced the first two “states” with “tummies” and “people” with “baby Jairos” and then called it a day. We’re friends and all but I’m not going to learn bullshit English for you]
Now, therefore I, Funk Master Jammy Jam, President of Boobiescentral, by virtue of the power in me vested as Commander-in-Sexy-Neckerchief, of the Army, Navy, and Sailor Moons of Boobiescity in time of actual armed rebellion against the authority and government of the New Boobies (formerly known as New Amsterdam), and as a fit and necessary war measure for suppressing said tummy related entrapments, do, on this ninth day of December, in the year of our Lord two thousand ten, and in accordance with my porpoise so to do pubicly proclaimed for the full period of however long it take to give birth [seven minutes? A fortnight? I literally have NO concept of time], from the day first above mentioned, order and designate as the tummies and parts of tummies wherein the baby Jairos thereof respectively, are this day in rebellion against Boobiesland, the following, to wit:
Arkansass, Titsas, Louboobsiana, (except the Parishes of St. Boobies, Plaquemines [What can I do with this?], Get-her-son, St. Gone-the-next-morning, St. Prince Charles, St. James Asscension, Assumption, Terrebonne [Those last two unaltered], Lafourche-some, “St. Mary!”, St. Mart-in-her, and Or-lean-her-over, including the City of New Or-leans-her-over) Miss-I-pee-peed [Ah… isn’t potty humor reflushing? Anyone?], Ala-wham-bam-straight-to-the-moon, Florida? I barely know her!, Georgia? I barely know her!, South Carolina? I barely know her!, North Carolina? I barely know her!, and Virgin?-yeah!, (except the forty-eight counties designated as West Virgin?-yeah!, and also the counties of Sexley, Assomac, North-hand-job, Elizabeth City [I draw the line at making sexual puns out of my mother’s name], Pork, Princess Hand Job, and Norfuck, including the cities of Norfuck and Puts-in-mouth), and which excepted parts, are for the present, left precisely as if this proclamation were not issued.
And by the power of greyskull [How come my computer says this isn’t a word?], and for the porpoise aforesaid, I do order and declare that all persons held as baby Jairos within said designated tummies, and parts of tummies, are, and henceforward shall be free; and that the Executive government of the Boobiesmunicipality, including the military, naval, and Pokemans authorities thereof, will recognize and maintain the freedom of said baby Jairos.
And I hereby enjoin upon the baby Jairos so declared to be free to abstain from all violence, unless in necessary self-defence and if they reeeeaaaally want to; and I recommend to them that, in all cases when allowed, they labor faithfully for reasonable wages (or steal!)
And I further declare and make known [make blown! Zing!], that such baby Jairos of suitable condition, will be received into the armed service of the Boobiessettlement to garrison forts, positions [teehee], stations, and other places, and to man vessels of all sorts in said service [teehee].
And upon this act, sincerely believed to be an act of justice, warranted by the Constitution, upon military necessity, I invoke the considerate judgment of mankind, and the gracious favor of Almighty God.
In witness whereof, I have hereunto set my hand and caused the seal of Boobiessomething to be affixed.
Done at the City of The Internet, this ninth day of December, in the year of our Lord two thousand eight hundred and ten.
By the President: C-Dawg
Jairo Portillo, Secretary of Getting’ Shit Done (Also the Interior)

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