To whomever may receive this desperate cry for help within the great 7-11 empire,
To start I have been a steadfast consumer of all 7-11 products for the majority of my teenage life. I am currently 18, going in to College next year, and looking back upon my High School career some of my fondest memories are of my friend and I walking to the local 7-11 on a hot summer day to enjoy a cold Slurpee. Now time has taken it's toll, we've grown older, grown a beard, shaved it, then decided it looked cool so grew it again, and it seems as though this year on the most sacred of holidays, July 7th, my friend and I will both be out of the United States in countries that have the misfortune to not be a part of your most glorious family. I am writing this email to ask if out of the kindness in your artificially flavored heart I could receive 2 coupons for free standard 7-11 Free Slurpee Day sized Slurpees to bask in the greatness that is frozen perfection on a day that we will be in proximity to one of your fine establishments.
All the best,
We thank you for your email. In response to your inquiry, I would be glad to send you some Slurpee coupons. Please provide your mailing address.
Dear sweet corn-syrup composed angel,
I had to move to a different computer because I short-circuited the keyboard on my laptop from my tears of joy. I thought that there was no way out and perhaps a life without cherry flavoring and shaved ice wasn't one worth living. To say that I am overjoyed doesn't begin to scratch the surface of my new-found view on life. Proof that there is a god and that he loves us is shown in the great generosity demonstrated by the 7-11 family. Can you adopt me? I promise I keep my room clean most of the time.As for my address:
We're glad that we can retain you're business. However, we cannot adopt you. We are a corporation, not a literal family. The word is used metaphorically. You're coupons are in the mail.
Dear Aunt or Uncle,
I'm filled with grief knowing that my new family has split. I feel as though it is my fault, maybe if I had complained less about Slurpee coupons Mom and Dad would've stayed together. You know Aunt/Uncle I feel as though I'm closer to you than any of my siblings. Maybe you could talk to them and see if they could reconcile? I know they'd listen to you!
We are not you're family. Please do not contact us further.
Dear not family member,
I never wanted to bother you, I just wanted love and understanding. It's funny, how time flies by so quickly. It seems like just yesterday we were at the reunion in Kentucky and you gave me my first sparkler. Oh how we laughed. I feel as though this is more of a beginning rather than an end. I'm sure we'll all be laughing about this soon enough.
Your not nephew,