These are all our thoughts in word form. Not to be confused with our thoughts in worm form. Those look like this.

Thursday, June 9, 2011

“What Do You Want to be When You Grow Up?" by Jairo Portillo

I remember being asked this quite frequently as a kid. Of course I would lie and make up something like doctor or teacher or dinosaur tamer. But in my heart of hearts, I wanted to have superpowers and kick ass. I wanted to be a superhero and have a blank check to punch people for justice.  I would use my superpowers to attract the ladies and I could print business cards.



            But this got me thinking about what superpowers I would choose. And as I got older and learned basic physics, I realized I would probably cause way more trouble than I fixed.

Someone gonna get that? Yeah someone else will get that…

So as a superhero I’ve decided on super strength/invulnerability. You may be saying to yourself  “Hey Jario you just cheated at the game you made up! Super strength and invulnerability are two powers!”  but if you think about it, super strength and invulnerability kind of go together. For anyone who has ever willingly or unwillingly hit some solid inanimate object really hard (most of us), you’ll notice you usually come out worse. You can headbutt that wall as much as you want, the girls locker room will still lie beyond your reach.

            Maybe I get bitten by a radioactive Arnold Schwarzenneger or maybe I’m part gorilla. Either way,  now I have super strength and will do good deeds while I wait around for someone to punch. Oh look! That car is trapped on little timmy’s leg! Better lift up high in the air and strike a pose.

That’ll do

What I soon realize is that the car will be pierced by both my hands and I’ll end up with a literal full metal jacket. This is because simple physics show us the force required to lift a car localized at a point with the area of your hand creates an enormous amount of pressure at that one spot from your now muscular arms. This will cause the car to try its best to fall back to the ground or – assuming I’ve got kickass balancing skills (I don’t) you will go through the car like Congressman Weiner through many, many women (topical humor!)

If you don’t believe me, try pushing your cat with a needle and see how much they like it.

Not very much

            So you’ve saved Timmy’s leg and totaled the family car. Also they’re suing you. But no matter. Now, it’s time to teach some criminals a lesson. You see some thief run out of a convenience store in a mask with a gun. It’s your moment to shine. You run up to deck him and be the hero you were mean to be …and now find the convenience store is painted red and there is bloody stump where the guy’s torso used to be. See when your adrenaline is running, do you ever consider how much force you put behind a punch? With super strength, you won’t stop to consider how this guy is made of flesh and bone. And that will be the difference between stopping a criminal and redoing the paint of the banks’ walls.

Do you – do you do any colors other than red?

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