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Monday, June 6, 2011

Pete's Greek Tzadziki by John Galt

  • 2 cups of Sour Cream (You can use thick Greek yogurt or mix the two. I go with straight sour cream, and don't use that low fat shit).
  • 3 to 4 cloves of garlic, crushed (Careful not to use too much or you'll smell like a Guinea) 
  • 1/2 cup to 3/4 cup grated cucumber (Use a seedless cucumber--the long ones.  If you've never seen one of these, they are the same size as a non-Greek penis, if it was ten times longer.)
  • 1 tablespoon of olive oil (Greek oil, if you’re not a barbarian.  If you don't want to use Greek olive oil, do everyone a favor and kill yourself) 
  • 2 teaspoons of lemon juice (This comes from a fruit called a "Lemon."  It's yellow and does not come in a bottle.  You'll know it’s a lemon and not a bottle,  because a lemon doesn't have a screw-on cap)
  • 1 teaspoon of Cavender's Greek Seasoning (Available at Safeway in the spice aisle--usually in a small, yellow or blue container.  It also makes your dick grow, so can add more than one teaspoon, if you feel you need some help in this department.  Hint:  If you're not Greek, you do.) 
  • 1 or 2 teaspoons of salt for preparation of cucumber (see below).  Some non-Greeks and monkeys throw salt over their shoulders.  Don't do that shit, it lands on the floor. (Sorry, I forgot.  Monkeys throw their own shit at things, not salt.  But if the shoe fits...)

  1. Wash your god-damned hands, you animal.  What is that tar?  Motor oil?  Jesus!  Are you a day laborer?
  2. Grate cucumber and squeeze the pulp in your hands to remove extra liquid.  Squeezing the cucumber extracts additional liquid from the grated cucumber and keeps your Tzadziki from getting watery (like my eyes when I think of the Aegean).  Leave the peel on for color, and because you'll probably cut yourself with a knife if you try to peel it.  Spread the cucumber on a plate (if you own dinnerware) and salt it.  Leave it sit for 10-15 minutes (This gives you some time to think about what a great race of people the Greeks are).  Squeeze again to remove excess salt.
  3. Fold cucumber, crushed garlic, olive oil, lemon juice and seasoning into the sour cream.  "Folding" is what you don't do to your laundry.  If you don't know how to do it, just throw all the stuff together and stir it like your female ancestors used to stir their cauldrons.
  4. You must refrigerate for at least an hour before serving for the flavor to develop.  (If you don't have a watch or know what an hour is, tie your shoes.  That should take about 60 minutes).  It will keep for 10 days in the refrigerator.  Ten days!  Not ten months, or you'll get streptococcus (which is a Greek word that means: you can't cook). 
  5. You can mix in 1-2 teaspoons of chopped fresh mint or dill, if you are into that.  PS:  I don't want to know what else you are into!
  6. Enjoy

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