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Friday, June 10, 2011

JFK Jr.: American Badass by CK Bond

            For those of us too young to remember, John F. Kennedy Jr. was a lawyer, pilot, professional casket saluter, and, according to hours of intensive research, the son of Democratic President John F. Kennedy Sr. Oh, and he was also the most eligible bachelor of the past thirty years. Like his dad, the “F” in JFK Jr. stood for “I’m too busy having tantric sex with my insanely hot girlfriends to care what my middle name is”. Apparently, raw sexual charisma is hereditary much like brown eyes and homelessness. When John John (as he was called by the national media and peoples who suck at making up nicknames) wasn’t busy winning every case he ever had as a lawyer or flying around, defying gravity and shitting Isaac Newton’s grave, he was busy being named People Magazine’s Sexiest Man of the Year in 1988. So far, his edition has sold more magazines than any other Sexiest Man issue (presumably half of that was Elaine buying masturbation fodder) and he is the only non-actor to win the award.

I misspoke

            The apple didn’t fall far from the boning incredibly hot women tree either. John Squared’s conquests include model Ashley Richardson, actresses Sarah Jessica Parker and Daryl Hannah, and slutty grandmother Madonna. That’s a total of 300 million records sold, seven appearances on the cover of Elle, six appearances on the cover of the Sport’s Illustrated Swimsuit Edition, four Golden Globes, three Screen Actors Guild Awards, two Emmys, two appearances on the cover of Cosmopolitan, one appearance in Blade Runner, one induction into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, one record in the Guinness Book of World Records and one fake British accent. Kennedy’s resume reads like “The Twelve Days of Christmas” of sleeping with beautiful women.

On the third day of Christmas, a threesome seemed appropriate

            Just how did John2  get so much tail? Well according to one of his mistresses, Kennedy, stared at her from across a restaurant until she made the first move. I stare at women all the time! Where’s my free sex? Also, she was on a date with another guy and had to wait for him to go to the bathroom before she could make her move. Holy shit, the only reason you’re not a Kennedy is because your dad had a healthy prostate. Remember that kid in high school who was smarter than you, funnier than you, and you and went out with every girl you liked? Well JFK. Jr. was banging that kid's mom.


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